nerdgirlsspace - live in the sunshine ... swim the sea ... drink the wild air…

moved ...

2007-10-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

Please join me at my new location.

Click HERE to access my new site...

blades

2007-09-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

My mom and I sat on the bench lacing up. I thought of how lucky I am to share this passion with my mom. Something special that we can do together.

The zamboni turned into its garage and the gates opened.

"Come on mom, lets go. It's time."

We step down on the ice. It is like we have been there all along. Never stopped.

The sound.

I cannot find the keystrokes, alphabet order, words to describe the sound of my blades on the ice.

The ice is clean, there are only about five other people here. We start gliding a little faster. Mom looks comfortable. Steady. Happy. I say "mom, can I go?" She nods and I am off.

My legs push, the picks launch me off and I am stroking around the ice. My ears are so cold they hurt and my legs feel a familiar burn. I can hear my blades. I wish I could describe the sound. I turn around, backwards crossovers, I can still do this. I can do this. Mom says try a jump. I do. Down I go. Sliding on my hip across the ice. Oh, no. I can do this and I find myself in the air with my arms and legs wrapped properly around my body into a graceful landing. It is a single. But it is a jump. I did it. Big smiles. Heart pounding. I feel such a freedom out here.

Try a spin. I cant. I get dizzy now. I try and try. Nope, that I cannot do. Not with any grace.

Mom says "You used to a beautiful Ina Bauer."

This is a pic of what an Ina Bauer looks like:"Ha, ha, mom, nice try, as if my body can twist like that now."

I feel challenged suddenly. Ok, I start skating - faster and faster - I go to the corner and cut diagonally across the ice - I twist my legs and feet in position and lean my head back. I do one. I hold it the length of the ice. I feel graceful. I feel like the teenager that was a skater way back then.

For the full forty minutes we were on that ice the ping pong mess of thoughts that have been ravaging my brain for months ceased.

My head felt peace.

animal therapy

2007-09-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

As you know I am spending some time out at my mom and stepfather's place again this weekend. When I came home from there last weekend I spent far too many days at home hermitting myself again.

Mom had an idea for the perfect quiet, peaceful outing for today.

My mom picked up my sister and we drove out to my Auntie Carole and Uncle Ellis' house in Abbotsford. My mom and sister chatted in the front seat on the drive and I sat in the back and read a little and looked at the scenery.

These are some pics of the paradise Carole and Ellis call 'home' ... and some pics of their very special 'animal family'.

View from the front door:

This one of their many kitty cats :

Auntie Carole's horse CeeCee:

This is Oreo. Poor little Oreo is sick and not long for this world but oh,
so very loving. Are these not the kindest eyes?: The backyard ... a beautiful little private lake:
One of the many gorgeous flowers on the property:Another one of CeeCee:And yes, that is me on CeeCee below.

I would show you more pictures of CeeCee (I took about fifty of them!) but the remainder of the pictures have my aunt, sister or mom in them and my family is a little shy ... so I am going to respect that and not post their pics on here.

Anyways, after spending the day with my family and after a cuddle with one of the cats, some love from the dogs, a little ride on the horse and some really nice time with my wonderful Aunt, I am feeling a little better today.

Good idea mom. Thank you for suggesting it and thanks Mandy (my sis) for coming along. One last thank you to my Auntie Carole for the ride, sharing the love of your animals, your knowledge and positive nature.

I love you all to pieces.

... please be quiet continued ...

2007-09-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

On Sunday morning, bright and early, Chico showed up at my mom's house to take me home. Knowing me as he does - knowing what would make me feel peaceful - knowing what I would need - on the way home we visited the ocean.

Here are the pictures taken that day at Belcarra Park.

I find myself back home, shutting myself in again.

This is doing me no good.

My mom is coming to get me again tomorrow. Thanks mom.

please just be quiet ...

2007-09-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

First of all. Thank you Mom, Keith (my stepfather) and Chico. I know truly that I am loved.

Second. It is the anniversary of September 11. This reminds me that there are people in this world going through horrible, devastating events in their lives. I feel for them. I remember that day vividly. I am so very sorry for those families touched by this unbelievable event.

***

If you have been reading for the last month or so you know that I have been at home, off work, seeing a counsellor once a week, and working through what I can only describe as some sort of breakdown. This is hard for me to write about. But I need to write.

I am not myself. I am not the strong woman most of you know (knew?). I do not want to leave the house, I have my phone off and am not answering emails. I do not want to talk. If you are talking softly to me or around me, I am listening though.

Other than going to the doctor or the counsellor I have not left the house much. On some level I recognize that hermitting myself is probably making things worse, but I cannot seem to help myself. When I am at home alone, the thought of seeing people, having to interract, talk, socialize or be around the loudness that is our city makes me anxious.

I discussed this with my counsellor we felt that some exercise and fresh air might help. I asked Chico to take me on a hike. On September 2 we ended up at Lynn Canyon with a backpack filled with healthy food and a plan to take some pictures and sweat a little.

We get there and the parking lot is full. I am in the passenger seat wanting to beg him to turn around, I do not want to see all these people. There are mothers yelling at their children, children screeching, and the loud voices of males trying to get some attention from nearby females.

"It's ok, Kell, lets go."

We get out of the car, open the trunk, get the camera and backpack and make our way up to the up to the little suspension bridge. The people around us are so loud. I can sense Chico watching me. I recognize that he is trying to understand how hard this is for me and how much the noise is bothering me.

We make our way across the bridge and start on the trail. It is beautiful here.

... If everyone would just shhh ... why the need for loud voices? Would it really be so terrible to be silent for a few minutes and take in the beauty of our world?

We hit the trail, work up a bit of a sweat. As we head back down Chico suggests going off the trail, down below where there are no tourists. Brilliant! Here I found the silence and beauty I was looking for. We ate lunch and took pictures.

It was paradise and exactly what I was looking for. Thank you Chico.

***

Later in the week, after spending a few days at home alone avoiding people I asked my mom to come with me to my Dr. appt on Friday. I wanted to be alone, I did not want to see people but knew if I made a plan with my mom she would get me out and about.

By Thursday, I hit a new low, a low that I do not feel comfortable describing here. I was feeling not right. I emailed my mom and asked her to take me home with her after the Dr. appointment on Friday.

My mom did not hesitate. She came to the house Friday morning, saw me struggling to pack a bag, and listened as I spilled everything that was going on in my head to her. I had a good cry. My mom is not used to this, I have generally been self-sufficient as an adult and do not 'run' home everytime something happens to me. My mom was amazing. She listened. She was supportive and positive and non-judgmental. She helped me pack. She went to the Dr. with me and took me home with her. It was exactly what I needed. Her home is beautiful and quiet. She had a room downstairs for me to use with its own t.v., bathroom, and quiet space.

Also at my mom's is my little baby Lady:

Lady did not leave my side the entire weekend. She slept downstairs with me. She followed me everywhere. When I woke up for two hours at 3 a.m., she woke with me and put her head on my arm while I read. She would get up early, jump off the bed, run upstairs and wake up Keith to go for her morning walk. The minute she came back in the door and the leash was off, she would run back downstairs and hop back in bed with me.

I miss her now. I wish I could have my own dog where I am, I think it would do wonders for me. I think it is exactly what I need. She was just there. All the time. Silent and loving. Can you please get me my own baby to have at home?

The weekend was peaceful. My mom said my sister was worried about me and had her and my stepbrother for dinner on Friday night. While barbecuing my mom and sister and I sat on her balcony, flanked by the forest in the back, talking quietly. In the evening, Mom and I would sit in the den and watch the news. Keith would bring her a glass a wine, me a waterbottle and he would make us a snack of Breton crackers with cream cheese and red pepper jelly. We just sat together and watched the news. It was nice to be with people but to be able to just sit in silence if I wanted to.

On Sunday morning Chico came early in the morning to get me but I will try and write about that tomorrow. I also have some pictures to share.

Thank you again Mom and Keith. I am at home now and know that I will be heading back there soon.

my insomnia reached a whole new level of hell last night ...

2007-08-31T08:40:00.000-07:00

I did not sleep last night.

Not for more than 45 minutes at a time anyways.

I tossed and turned and dreamt crazy, disturbing things.

To make matters worse - actually I think it may have put me to sleep for awhile - one I woke up disoriented and on my way back from the bathroom I managed to crack my head on the corner of one of the walls. The one on the right there actually... see that nice wall sticking out by the light switch? Ouch.

I do not even know what I was doing on that side of the room, I sleep on the chimney side ... however, I did learn that you actually see stars if you whack your head hard enough! Great. Good to know.

Anyways, NOT a good night. Needless to say, I am tired today so just a couple quick things for you.

First of all, I found this neat little site where you can write the next sentence of an ongoing story. I did it and thought you fellow blogging, writer friends, readers, fans and family would enjoy adding a sentence too. Just click here. Just do it. You can say you wrote a book with me. =)

Finally, and most importantly, Megan's modelling pictures have finally been sent! My daughter is GORGEOUS. I just had to share a few....

today

2007-08-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Today I need to be kind.

I need to be kind to myself.

I need to tell myself that my mistakes are ok. That I have learned from them. I need to explain to myself that I have done the best that I can with all that I have been given in all of the circumstances that have been handed to me. I need to forgive myself for letting myself and others down in those moments when I have not been as good or as kind or as proactive as I needed to be.

I need to forgive myself for not knowing for sure what to do all of the time. I need to try and forgive myself for not knowing what to do when someone else was counting on me. I need to try and forgive myself for not knowing for sure what to do when someone else really needed me to know for sure what I was doing and make proper decisions. I need to forgive myself for not being brave when I needed to be brave. I need to forgive myself for not standing strong and firm in my beliefs.

I need to turn the kindness and empathy I feel for others on myself. I need to use the forgiveness I have had and do have for others - on myself. I would have long ago forgiven others in my life for these mistakes, wrong paths and shortcomings, why have I not forgiven myself?

I need to take it easy on my soul. I need to listen to the good things that people say to me and about me. I need to listen to those things and absorb them into my heart.

I need to go forward and trust my instincts. I need to go forward and trust that my instincts are leading me in the right direction. I need to trust that what I know and what I have learned in life will lead me to make the right decisions for me and for you. You are counting on me and I need to trust that I can do what needs to be done, and that I have taught you enough to know that you can do for yourself what needs to be done.

I need to trust myself to say no. I need to say it more often and know that I am doing it for the right reasons. I need to understand that it is ok to say no. Whenever, to whatever and whomever I need to say it to. I need to practice saying no. I need to learn not to do things for the wrong reasons. I need to learn that maybe in the moment things may feel right or ok, that a decision may feel right or ok in the moment ... but down the road, will this decision affect me, hurt me, harm me in some way?

I need to learn to love me as much as I love the people in my life. I need to respect me like I respect my loved ones.

I need to go outside and put my face in the sunshine and smile from the inside out.

If not today,

then tomorrow?

counselling .2

2007-08-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

I had another counselling appointment today.

I worked really hard. Talked about some tough things. I tried to be logical. I really tried to look at things with a methodical brain instead of a sensitive brain. I am tired. I am going to close my eyes and wish myself off to Fantasy Island for awhile. So if anyone is looking for me, this is where I will be:

hermit

2007-08-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am still living the life of a hermit. That is just the way it is right now. My friends have been trying to contact me but I am still feeling like I want to be alone. I have a lot of thinking to do. I dont know why letting everyone back in is so hard right now. I hope it changes soon. Because of this I have not gone far but this weekend was my baby sister's 30th birthday and my mom had a party for her. There were a few old family friends that I do not get to see often so Chico drove me out there to give my sister a gift and to visit for a couple of hours. It was nice to be around familiar people who have loved us for a lifetime. People with their own stories that I can just sit and listen to. Other than that, I haven't gone far. Been on the couch watching the last of the Rome disks. Its done. What series is next? Any ideas blogging friends?

Unfortunately with being at home I do not have anything interesting to blog about, but I do have something to share with you - My daughter Megan recently did a modelling shoot for a hairdressing salon. Here is one of the photos. She is to the right of her (boy)friend Jordan.

I think they are beautiful.

actual conversation today - kinda funny

2007-08-26T13:30:00.001-07:00

Me (obviously, not serious): "Why are you such an ass*?" =)

Him (three guesses who): "I am not a ass*. I am just being me. The fact that society puts me in that category and labels me as an asshole is beyond my control." =)

These are the kinda serious conversations we have. Seriously. =) It is fun to have this kind of friend ... =) at least he has a good answer for everything!!

asshole
noun
1.
insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous
2.
vulgar slang for anus [syn: arse]

a feast, a new hbo series, insomnia, water ponds, my nest and some pictures

2007-08-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

My goal today: to make an effort to make this post a little lighter than those of late. I am still not feeling quite right and do not want to be around people, especially crowds and noise, and I am not wanting to talk much but I am trying hard to get back to me. I am listening to the world a lot right now. You learn a lot with your mouth closed and your ears open. I am working hard to get back to the regular, happy-go-lucky me. I have some work to do first, but I am getting there. I promise.

Chico and I have started a new HBO series. We have been through Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Big Love. We have spent many lost rainy weekends lost in one or the other of these series. I recommend each and everyone one of them. Just mentioning them makes me want to open up discussion on the rich characters in each of them. Not today though, I dont want to lose you on too long of a post!

We have now started Rome. We watched the first two episodes of the second season last night. It is not as good as Sopranos or Six Feet but I am enjoying it (warning: a lot of violence though). And after all these years I am learning Chico is more than a pretty face, he knows a whole heck of a lot about the history of Rome. Apparently he listened in history class instead of being distracted by pretty girls and basketball ... so I am lucky enough to get a running commentary of the real goings on in the history of Rome and Caesar in comparison to what they are showing in the HBO series.

Lately multi-tasking is not my best skill and therefore cooking dinner lately has been a big no-no. Example: one entire loaf of bread used to make four completely unedible pieces of french toast (Read: I am one big fire-hazard). And yes!, I used to be a good cook.

Anyways, last night along with the first two episodes of the second season of Rome I was treated to this lovely, finger food feast:

Yum. Healthy, easy, thoughtful. Thank you.

Usually I have to read awhile to fall asleep at night. I read quite a bit anyways, but a few pages of someone else's story before I go to sleep at night really helps to relax me. I have a beautiful bedroom. I live in the attic loft of an old heritage home. My bedroom has been my little haven lately. I thought I would share a couple pictures of my room:

Last night I settled into my little nest and fell asleep instantly.

I woke though at 3 a.m. I could not settle. Thoughts of recent weeks, being off work and the most recent conversation with my daughter swirled in my head. I turned on my little reading light and read the remainder of my current read, Prodigal Summer (big recommendation). I finished and put the book down satisfied with the ending. Well worth the read. Unfortunately, my brain was still alive and churning when I put the book down. I lay there, trying to still my body. My hope was that my thoughts would also settle.

My landlord designs ponds for a living and my back yard is this amazing little haven with ponds with running water, lily pads, fish and beautiful banana trees. Here is another picture for you:

As I lay there trying to still my body and mind, my bedroom window was open, I could hear the water trickling in the ponds. I turned on my stomach to look out the window and the moon was shining brightly in a clear sky.

So peaceful.

Still, I could not fall asleep, my legs were itching to move ... I got up, went downstairs, had a glass of water, a couple of tylenol, a couple of gummy bears, checked a few of your blogs (thank you all for your wonderful stories) and finally went upstairs to my nest and eventually fell into a dreamless sleep.

Finally.

and the award goes to my mom and my best friend ...

2007-08-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

Words any girl is happy to hear and lucky enough to receive from her mom:

Please know that I am here and would be there on a moments notice.

Love you Mom

Simple, to the point, appreciated and noted.

Thanks mom

*******************************

An email exchange:

Re: I stink

I guess I had better clean up before you get here. I have been lazy on my couch for days, I cannot remember when I last washed my hair.

Brilliant response:

Re: Re: I stink

I won't care ... you once threw up on my feet, did not phase me a bit ...

Now that is the love of a best friend. Almost, just almost enough, to tear me away from the blog reading, soap operas, Ellen and self pity party and go upstairs and use some soap and maybe shampoo. Toothpaste would probably be a good idea too.

Almost

time off from life ...

2007-08-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

The sun just came out. It has been rainy and very September-like for the last few days.

The sun shining adds to my guilt for just lying here watching Ellen and reading blogs all.day.long.

I am in my ugly (but comfy) green jammies with pink elephants and hearts on them, eating crackers with melted cheese and jam (blame my mom for that particular food habit!) and thinking I probably should have a shower at some point today ... It is tempting to post a pic of the particular kind of mess I look like but sorry readers, you are stuck with my usual superhero blog pic.

If it helps the visual any ... the front of my hair is pulled back like a Shih Tzu pup and when Chico sees me like this he always asks me to make the face - you know the one - bottom teeth out like the little fugly doggie. =)

Well, actually kind of like this:

***new note... I was trying to be funny by posting the pic of this dog... not my dog... apparently I'm not funny ... =) I was trying to show you all the state of my hair right now ...***

With green jammies and cracker crumbs on my shirt.

Anyways, I had a gruelling session with my counsellor yesterday. I broke down and cried like a little girl. Apparently for someone who does not feel like talking, I have an awful lot to say. Everything she said made sense, everything all the people that love me makes sense - but for the time being the logical side of my brain that sends my heart normal loving messages is broken and while that is happening, I just want to be home and alone. So today is a "me" day. There has been a lot of those lately and there are going to be a few more in the next few weeks. Whatever it takes.

I have realized lately and think I can understand and relate to how a once social person could suddenly become a hermit - If someone gave me a sailboat right now (and I knew how to sail!) - I.would.be.outta.here.all.by.myself. Just.me.and.some.books.

In my internet travels today I came across a blog called Wannabe.

Her blog caught my eye today because of a quote:

Dont borrow someone else's spectacles to view yourself.

Simon Travaglia

The quote struck me because the process of seeing myself through loving eyes again has been a hard fight.

I know it will happen.

It will just take some time.

a serious discussion on weight and insanity

2007-08-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

Kelly: "Chico, I think I have lost weight."

Chico: "Well ... how much did your marbles weigh?"

... that was yesterday and it is still making me chuckle ... =)

counselling

2007-08-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am still doing my best to avoid people.

The phone is off. The loft door is closed.

I haven't gone much farther than my couch in days.

On Wednesday I had an appointment with my counsellor. I am seeing a counsellor because my anxiety is unmanageable at the moment and I recognize that I need to talk to someone outside of my family and friends. I am feeling ridiculous and silly and a bunch of other negative things. Unfortunately, the thought of talking, being out and about and running into people raises my anxiety level so getting out the door to visit her office is a chore in itself.

What happened to the strong capable woman I was?

I walked into the counsellor's office and the first thing I thought was - please just let the receptionist take my money and hand me my receipt and let me sit down quietly.

Please do not talk to me.

I do not feel like making nice today.

My heart is pounding. My hand is a little numb.

I felt guilty for those thoughts. She is a nice old lady. Friendly, outgoing, cheery with a "receptionist" personality. I instantly feel like a bitch because I do not want to respond to her inane comments about the weather, Vancouver or how lovely the quotes posted around the reception are. These feelings automatically start my heart pumping and my anxiety goes up - the exact opposite effect I am trying to achieve by seeing a counsellor. It is a strange, foreign feeling to have regular interactions cause such an uproar in my system.

The counsellor floats in to tell me she is ready. Everything about her is soothing. Her hair, her skin, the way she speaks, dresses, moves. She is olive. Her skin is olive, her clothing is olive coloured... her walls in her office are an earthy colour. Everything about her seems organic.

It is lovely in her inner office. Pillows, water fountain, mood lighting. She sits back in her chair, pillow in her lap and her feet on a stool. Every movement she makes is fluid. One movement seamlessly runs into another. I wonder if she practices this. Does she know this is calming?

I sink into the couch and she asks me what I am thinking.

"I dont want to talk. I'm sorry."

That is all I can think of to say.

She asks me to try and tell her something simple about the last week. Events, non-events. Anything I want.

I find myself relaying the events of the last few days since my last visit. It is not as if I have nothing to say. It felt as though I was talking about someone else. None of these things happened to me. None of these feelings are going through my heart. I am talking about someone else. I am not emotional like I was last time. Ther are no tears. I am just telling a story.

Except my heart is pounding in my ears. I can no longer pretend I am not talking of me. I feel guilty for most of what I am telling her. I have no good reason to be this down, this anxious, this sad. The guilt is a problem. There isn't much these days that doesn't make me feel guilty or inadequate on some level. I am feeling silly, weak. Ridiculous.

She notices me twisting my feet and wringing my hands.

She suggests a relaxation, breathing exercise.

This makes my heart pound.

My reaction is visible to her.

She says "What do you think?"

I tell her the thought of relaxing on cue makes me anxious. I smile weakly and feel embarassed to be telling her something (else) so ridiculous.

She asks me to close my eyes.

To concentrate on breathing through my nose.

She says Kelly - try and clear your thoughts (!)

Instantly I panic as fourteen new thoughts pop into my head. None of which are entirely positive.

She instructs me to take deeper breaths. From my stomach. To my stomach. Something about my stomach.

She tells me to keep trying to clear my mind, my worries, my thoughts, to think about nothing but my breathing.

This is not possible.

The more I try not to think, the less this seems possible.

I think of the voices of the women giggling in the hallway. I wish they would go away. Then I feel bad for thinking that. I seem to be increasingly irritated by other people and noise. The world is so damned loud.

There are doorknobs turning, office noises, people talking... I heard none of these things when I came into the office. They were barely audible then. But now that I am to be thinking of nothing - every sound feels like it is directly beside my ear. Like someone turned up my hearing aid a notch or two. None of these sounds feel like they are coming from their real origin, outside the door, down the hall, or outside.

She tells me to think of somewhere nice.

Somewhere that made me happy.

My mind instantly flies to the Cecil with Chico.

I think this counselling thing is going to be a slow process if being at the strippers with Chico is the 'happy' thought I go to on command ...

Maybe I'm crazier than I thought.

Or human?

shhhh ....

2007-08-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

The world is a loud place for me right now. Every noise seems to be coming from right inside my head.

This post is a difficult one for me to write for several reasons... Two of which are my privacy and that of my loved ones. I have been going back and forth and starting drafts and trying to decide whether or not to write about the past week or two. I have some incredibly personal things that I would like to write about but need to do it in a way where I feel comfortable.

Bottom line - I need to write.

Last Monday I hit a wall.

I think this wall was fast approaching and I was busy pretending that I was somehow going to make it around it. Dodge it somehow. I thought I would keep moving forward and there would always be somewhere for me to run to, squash my fears, my feelings of inadequacy and the pain I carry around with me. But when your brain decides there is a limit, there is not much you can do about it.

I have been recognizing for some time now that I am not feeling quite right. I have been through some things. I know what you are thinking - we all have.

And yes, we all have.

A good portion of you have been through more than I could imagine or bear.

For about five years there has been some really tough family issues for me. I cannot and will not write the specifics but I have been forced to make decisions a mother should not have to make. I am not the type of woman who makes these types of decisions without thought or heartache. I agonize over the what ifs, the if onlys and the if I had done it the other ways ...I constantly beat myself up over, and replay events, conversations and decisions in my head. Being a mother is the most important job I could have. I have always felt that I could do all kinds of good in the world and that if I screw up my child's life that it would all be for nothing. I take the duties/job/miracle of being a parent very seriously.

Throughout these family issues, no matter what happened the night before, I would get up in the morning, slip on my shoes, plaster the Kelly smile on my face and put one foot in front of the other and just do what had to be done. I knew there were mothers going through worse things and thought to myself that it could be worse. Sometimes it got worse. I worked as usual. I kept up friendships, loves. I lost friendships, I lost loves. I kept doing what I thought to be the right things, going out, reading, volunteering, playing, working, whatever it took to live my life productively. Whatever it took to make myself feel useful and needed. I recognize(d) that everyone has problems, issues (hard issues, life and death issues) and that overall my life is good. I have people around me who love me, a roof over my head and a job that I like. I have a life. And all I have to do is live it.

A few weeks ago (maybe longer) I started to see myself differently. My mind was allowing thoughts that were (are) negative and hurtful. I felt and feel vulnerable and anxious. Sleep has been tough. I felt myself wanting to avoid people. I became more and more sensitive to the world around me. I recognized I needed a break, a holiday, some 'me' time. I tried to get that, but something always got in the way. Then some life events happened that were hurtful. The straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I think it likely my camel's back was already breaking or broken and I was ignoring that fact.

Life can be a messy business. That cannot be avoided.

Instead of having a good cry and taking a step back and 'handling' things as usual, I started to doubt myself and my place in the world and my place in the lives of the people I care about. I had always been able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at me ...

Then the doubts set in further and events chipped away at me when I was already feeling weak.

I was not feeling right and I knew it. I stopped liking the person I saw staring back at me from the mirror.

I reached out. I really did. I tried to explain that I am hurt and sad and not feeling right. I tried to say, to tell you (and you) that I was no longer hearing positive messages, that I was falling.

Then an odd thing happened. The people that I chose to turn to, the ones that I thought I had loved and nurtured were not there when I needed them. I do not know if they did not understand how far it had gone, or if the way I was asking was not pretty. Maybe they were just used to me being strong? That is about when the bottom of the wall flew up and hit me. I was done.

To not go into any further personal detail and to shorten this up a bit I will tell you where I am at now.

I am off work, likely until next Tuesday. I have learned who my real friends are.

I love you dearly for driving here and not leaving until I let you in. I love you for not taking no for an answer. I love you for just being quiet with me and not making me feel silly for falling. You are my anchor. I thank you for that.

I have learned just how important my family is and how they will always be there for you, even when they are facing their own scary things.

I hope that writing this helps just one of you out there that may have been reaching a limit of your own.

Listen to your head and to your heart.

Look after yourself.

Take the breaks that you need.

Have a tantrum (safe one) if you need to.

Talk to your friends and family before you fall.

And dont judge yourself too harshly.

You are human.

day one of pride down

2007-08-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

Got home just before five!

Am so tired.

Am feeling a little blue.

A lot blue.

Tried to dance it out of my skin last night.

Tried to run it out of my skin last night.

Sat at the ocean at 4:00 in the morning to get some perspective.

Did.not.work.

Something happened yesterday morning when I got home from camping that I was just not expecting.

Why is it when you are all happy and content you get blindsided by reality? My little heart is just so sensitive.

I am hurting.

Thankfully as we speak, my beautiful little brazilian friend Sam is packing a bag. She is going to hold my hand, sleep in my loft and celebrate the beautiful women of Vancouver with me this weekend.

Sam, my little band aid.

Thank god for friends.

im back

2007-08-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I'm back from holidays!

What a riot!

Had a little kick in the ass this morning so I am smarting a little ... but it is Pride Weekend in Vancouver and I am going to get all prettied up and go out and party with my friends. I am thinking that losing myself in all the beautiful women of Vancouver should soothe my poor little bum!

I promise to write about my adventures away when I get a chance!

Thanks for all your comments while I was gone.

I.FEEL.LOVED. Thanks guys!

censored

2007-07-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

I need some advice blogging friends.

I've ruined my blog.

It doesn't look like I have, but I have.

I find myself censoring, deleting, editing and rewriting my posts when I do not want to be. I almost wish some days my blog was anonymous so that I could write openly about my feelings. That was to be the whole point of this thing to start with! I have toyed around with the idea of starting another one to just write...

The problem is that I write what I feel in any given moment. I may not feel that very same thing five minutes later but the post remains there until I write about something else.... and because I am not using this as a true journal you do not get updates, I just write about the next random thing that pops into my head.

For example:

Recovering Straight Girl writes (or seems to) candidly about her relationship with her girlfriend, her thoughts on her ex, and the trials and tribulations of being a mother, ex-wife and a woman in a same-sex relationship/marriage. From reading her blog I can see that her friends, family and her girlfriend read it daily. Why does she feel so comfortable expressing her feelings?

Better question - why am I such a wimp about it?

Anyways, fellow blogging friends, tell me ... are you censoring yourself? I honestly want to know your thoughts and feelings on this whole thing.

Love you all.

I'm off now to Ucluelet. Well ... I will be when sexy.girl drags her cute butt out of bed!

Kisses,
NerdGirl

i cant fucking sleep

2007-07-27T10:39:00.001-07:00

For starters, I seem to be avoiding my bedroom.

Which is stupid. I have a lovely bedroom.

I live in a little attic apartment of an old heritage home. My bedroom is a loft. It is quite cozy with its slanted walls and the charming brick chimney (that I really wish a flatscreen was hanging from). I can hear the ponds in my backyard from my bedroom window. Here is a picture of the ponds and a little plug for my landlord's business. As you can see my backyard is beautiful!

Lately, instead of climbing up the little wooden stairs to my haven, I lay on my couch at night and toss and turn and think.

I am exhausted.

The things I think about in the middle of the night have no relation at all to my thoughts or worries during the day.

When I get up, walk across the bridge in the morning, visit the ocean and look at the beautiful Vancouver skyline I kick myself for allowing those worries to even enter my head and ruin a good night's sleep.

Because really. Life is good.

Last night I went out with my friend Jen. We went for a walk in our neighbourhood, had a beer at the Five Point (the boys from my house had the same idea too!) caught up and had a great evening. Lots of laughs. No worries. Right?

I get home, feeling tired and ready for sleep.

I plop down on the couch.

In my comfiest summer p.j.s (ha, liar, I was naked!)

I close my eyes and suddenly,

I am AWAKE.

Wide awake.

No amount of anything could have put me to sleep (read whatever you want into that comment).

Today - I am a walking zombie. Again.

I am looking forward to my little vacation ... what better way to fall asleep than outdoors after playing in the sunshine all day?

Well, actually, I can think of a couple of ways ...

I wish I could take credit for this

2007-07-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

No matter how you choose to define it.

It is you.

For you:

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you.

The blind would stumble
certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbor to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back.

This ankle.

You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.

I could hardly glance at you before marriage
never touch you -- your keen nosed mother,
your rough brothers.

I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.

You climbed the bank and said
this is how you touch other women
the grasscutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter.

And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume.
and knew
what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in an act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamonpeeler's wife.

Smell me.

Tofino and a Simpsons movie!

2007-07-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

As you know this is my big holiday this year!

Update:

We are going to stay an extra night! Yippee!
Staying in Ucluelet (can't wait to try and say that drunk!) instead of Tofino. Two nights there and one night at a friend of a friend of a friend's house. Here's a lovely pic of the beach in Ucluelet:

Questions and Answer section:

The answer to your question - my wonderful friends with the "hungry for information, enquiring minds want to know attitude" ...

Your big email question of the day yesterday seems to be - "who is the sexy girl???" ...

... I am thrilled you are all so excited about my love life, really I am.

And thanks for asking privately, not via blog ...

... But sorry to disappoint ... and be ever-so-boring ... (did you really think I'd write about it anyways??? )

... but the '"sexy girl" is a friend who happens to be sexy. =)

I am guilty of sensationalizing for the sake of the 'blog'. Geez, do you have to call me on EVERYTHING? =)

Anyways, moving on ... apparently we are going to try surfing! I see stitches in my future! =) Ouch! Good thing there is a plastic surgeon in the family now!

About the third night - last night (actually once before too) I met the woman we are staying with on the third night. She plays hockey on "sexy girl's" hockey team - and - to be completely honest - she scares me a little ... actually the thought of "sexy girl" and her wreaking havoc (sp?) on the shores of Van. Isle. have me MORE than a little nervous, hee hee!

I have a feeling it will be an adventurous couple of days for little old KellyNerd. Yikes! Bring on the healing qualities of gin! =)

AND on a COMPLETELY different subject ... as if camping was not enough ... The Simpson's Movie is coming out this weekend! I am so excited to see it. I am excited for YOU (yes, you) to see it too, I know you've waited a long time for it!

T.O.F.I.N.O.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

So.

Guess where I am going?

Here!:

Camping.

In a tent.

With a girl.

A sexy girl.

Yippee!

We are leaving Sunday morning. Coming home Tuesday night.

The countdown begins.

Four more sleeps!

random thoughts on nothing today

2007-07-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

mean people suck

I used to have this bumper sticker on my car. The last vehicle I owned actually - I dont drive anymore. I had a great little Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible. It was fire engine red. I loved it. It looked just like this:

My daughter and I used to get bundled up in the middle of winter, grab some hot chocolate, throw a blanket over our laps, turn up the music, crank the heat on our feet and just DRIVE. *sigh* feeling a little nostalgic at the moment...give me a second ...

Ok, so:

mean people suck ...

... when I see this corny little statement on someone's backpack, car, tshirt I feel hope for us silly humans.

What exactly is being mean? Cruel?

Cruel - dictionary dot com says:
1. willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.
2. enjoying the pain or distress of others.
3. causing or marked by great pain or distress.
4. rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe.

I think we have all touched "meaness" or "cruelty" whether it be on the receiving end or the giving end. I think, and hope that most people do not intend to be mean. It seems to me that cruelty and selfishness go hand in hand. They seem to in many instances anyways...

selfishness dictionary dot com says:
1. devoted to or caring for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

We are all selfish sometimes. It is human nature. I suppose sometimes you have to be a little selfish to get you through this life. But I think the ignorant ‘me-first’ attitude of narrow self-interest, pretending that no one gets hurt by your words and actions is a dangerous way to live.

Hm, seems to be all I have to say on the subject. I don’t know where I was going with this…

... I guess I just want to thank people in my life for being selfless rather than selfish and for being caring rather than cruel and for being there throughout my life.

I hope you feel you get that in return.

You deserve it.

Ha. And you thought I was going somewhere else with this, didn't you??

silence

2007-07-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

I am feeling quiet right now.

Really quiet.

It is amazing the things you learn about people and situations when you just sit back and listen.

Listening is hard to do. Real listening, when you actually hear...

But I am learning (again) that sometimes the mouth is better left shut and some things are better left unsaid.

This silence has also allowed me to appreciate the value of the loved ones in my life that I can sit with in silence and feel like I am being heard louder than if I had raised my voice and screamed my every thought and feeling at the top of my lungs.

I thought this post worth repeating ...

2007-07-18T14:35:00.000-07:00

See my favourite poem here. It hits me where it counts.

a complete success!

2007-07-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

no access to nerdgirl was a total success.

I turned off the phone.

Lie. I still checked it for emergency purposes, but for all intents and purposes, it was 'off'.

I did not eat healthy, get any exercise, bake cookies or read. None of it.

I did drink a pitcher of sangria, eat a lot of crap, go for a walk at Jericho, sit on a few patios and make a delicious dinner of Shepherd's Pie on Sunday! Yum. I wore fun, non-work clothes all weekend. Was nice to feel and be all 'summer pretty'. I watched Coronation Street, napped on the couch and looked after me. It felt good. I also did a lot of thinking. About life and love and family and about what is next. What do I want? The list of a hundred things I want to do... it is at a standstill... screeched to a halt actually... time to figure out what it is that I WANT and DO.IT.Now. Also on the brain: SEX! Is it just that time of year?? If there were ever a time where I would consider getting all promiscuous and down and dirty (sorry mom!), now (right now) would be it but ... *sigh* ... instead I'm all boring and into the whole monogamous thing! =) A girl just cannot change those kind of stripes!

Anyways, sex aside (for now), I also watched these classics that I'd never seen before:

Taxi Driver: DeNiro=sexy. Seriously sexy. He could make me rethink the whole woman thing.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Is it bad to love the big Indian guy because he did not say a word? I truly loved that. I am thinking of looking for a deaf/mute partner now. =) Ok, now, now, no hate mail, I am just kidding... Seriously though... I probably talk enough for the both of us anyways and he was not actually deaf/mute, he chose not to say a word - there was something calming about the silence, it made him seem gentle somehow.

All in all I had a lovely weekend with my very good friend/ex-girlfriend/something ... She treated me like a princess, watched out for me when I crossed the street (I am a sucker for that), drove me around, shared her home, walked on the beach, played me good music, even songs she does not like and let me look after her a bit ... I loved, loved, loved every second of it.

I am completely refreshed.

ps. I feel like the word "SEX" should be watermarked all over this posting... can you do that in blogger????????????????? =))

no access to nerdgirl

2007-07-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

As of noon today I am turning off the phone, taking off the makeup, throwing the hair into pigtails, removing the bra (and possibly the underwear!) and going to be incommunicado all weekend. Going to eat healthy food, get some exercise, play by the ocean, read, read and read some more... going to watch a couple of movies... and possibly, just possibly, bake some cookies!

See you all Monday when the computer and phone comes back on!

the world of kelly is a little crazy sometimes

2007-07-12T08:37:00.001-07:00

so I have an interesting goal today.

Do not call any clients Mr. Dick.

Especially when that is NOT their name. I repeat NOT. Not even close.

True story:

Yesterday, I get on the phone, all polite as get out. The assistant voice at the ready. I am phoning one of David's bigger clients a Mr. Andy *insert proper name here* and say: "Good morning Mr. Dick."

"Um, want to try that again?"

Peels of laughter instead of I'm sorrys ...

Geez, I am sorry (guffaw, haha, give me a sec...) Mr. *insert proper name here*, I (tears rolling now) misspoke!

Mr. Dick. Great.

Yes, I still have a job.

On a completely different note. I decided last night that when I grow up I want to be a private investigator, living on a sailboat with my dog Lola.

Oh, yes I can!

do.not.even.think.about.it

2007-07-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

Unless you are going to:

(a) tell me I'm pretty;
(b) tell me I am spectacular;
(c) tell me that I am the best thing that ever happened to you;
(d) tell me that I am brilliant;
(e) tell me that I look lovely in my outfit today;
(f) tell me that I am absolutely adorable, lovable and kind

do not bother to even open your mouth and talk to me today.

Seriously.

I.am.just.that.foul.

And unless you like your berries, do not ask me if I am pmsing... I AM NOT. I am just in a bad mood. No, I dont have a good reason, I just am. I know you all expect me to be all sunshine and light all the time - no matter what crap you throw at me - but today I.am.NOT.

Deal.With.It.

Maybe sending nerdgirl some love via the comments section will save a few lives today. Go ahead try it! =)

This pic made me laugh out loud though:

... getting a little personal ...

2007-07-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year again...

Summer always makes me want to get out and date and meet new people. Everyone is all prettied up, getting healthy and tanned. Nothing better than a nice refreshing gin on a patio with someone new and exciting.

I have put dating on the backburner for a little bit now but have met some amazing women lately and its time to get back out there and have some fun! I have a date tomorrow night and a date Thursday night... Yup, two different people. I know, hussie!

I love summer. =)

let's just call it clumsy

2007-07-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

It seems that if there is a wall to walk into, stairs to fall down, a hole to twist my ankle in or something to burn myself on my body hurtles itself towards that danger.

I hurt myself last night. Eyes wide open, walking straight ahead towards what I knew to be danger, feeling all invincible and sure of my footing. Damn that hurt.

Ouch.

say hello to my little friend

2007-07-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

say hello to Lucy. Isn't she pretty??

Lucy is my new little friend. I promise not to drown her, throw her or drop her!

*****

Anyways ...

I am escaping the big bad City this weekend. Going to give up the ocean and head out to the boonies.

I am going to talk as little as possible (the noise in my head is loud enough at the moment).
I am going to move as slowly as possible.
I am going to smell a few roses (literally).
I am going to hug Chico's parents and listen to his mom's amazing stories. He will probably get a hug or two too.
I am going to get fat(ter) eating yummy homemade Indian food.
I will read, read and read some more. This is my current read.
I will go to the gym with Chico Saturday morning. (yes, I realize this contradicts the moving slowly as possible, but it is my blog so whatever).
Saturday - Chico is going to take me to Harrison Hot Springs for ICECREAM!!!
I will spend as much time as possible outdoors in my bikini sunning myself.
I am going to write. Write and write some more. I know I have a short story in this head of mine worth telling!
On Sunday I plan to visit here, or here and possibly here. And would this not be fun??

I hope you all have a great weekend. Thanks for checking in on nerdgirl. Sometimes I need the attention. Right now is one of those times.

grey rock

2007-07-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

Jasmine and I went on a hike in Deep Cove last night. Here is the view from the top:

on being substantial

2007-07-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

sub·stan·tial –adjective
1. of ample or considerable amount, quantity, size, etc.: a substantial sum of money.
2. of a corporeal or material nature; tangible; real.
3. of solid character or quality; firm, stout, or strong: a substantial physique.
4. basic or essential; fundamental: two stories in substantial agreement.
5. wealthy or influential: one of the substantial men of the town.
6. of real worth, value, or effect: substantial reasons.
7. pertaining to the substance, matter, or material of a thing.
8. of or pertaining to the essence of a thing; essential, material, or important.
9. being a substance; having independent existence.
10. Philosophy. pertaining to or of the nature of substance rather than an accident or attribute.
–noun
something substantial.
—Synonyms: stable, sound, On being substantial
sub·stan·tial –adjective

Am hurting a little today. Something happened to make me feel like I am failing somewhere, somehow at who I want to be. I suddenly feel like I do not possess the qualities I need to hold onto what is or who is important to me. Can this be true?

At the end of it all. When my ashes are being scattered across the ocean I want to be remembered for being a substantial human being.
Someone with layers.
I want to be remembered for doing good in the world.
I want to make a difference.
I want to have possessed positive qualities amongst my flaws ... I want to do things for people that matter.
Outer beauty is fleeting (how cliché is that?) and at the end of the day does not mean anything. Physical beauty’s only purpose (that I can see) is to initially attract potential partners… if there is nothing else behind the skin, the eyes, the hair and clothes then there is not much else to hold onto. I have something else there really... please just look.

I hope the words ‘kind’, ‘loving’, ‘giving’, ‘caring’ would be words that come off your lips once I am gone.

And I hope I was loved ...

... insanity ...

2007-07-02T06:27:00.000-07:00

5:15 a.m. Woke up and padded out to the kitchen to get a glass of water ... took a peek outside ... sun rising over the water ... damn, beautiful.

I crawl back into bed. A beautifully sculpted arm slips around my waist and there is sweet breath on my back ... but I'm already gone. "I gotta go. The ocean."

"You're insane."

I know, possibly, probably ... still, gotta go ...

5:57 a.m.

Find myself standing on the Cambie Street bridge listening to Theory of a Deadman's "Make Up Your Mind" (Listen HERE) and looking out over Science World at the sun rising.

The water is calm.

For a second I feel like I could be stronger than I am.

That the water could be warm and inviting ...

I picture myself doing a swan dive and breaking through the water.

Gracefully pushing back up through the surface with my face in the sun.

Sad, these human limitations.

I turn around, walk back over the bridge.

Now all I want to do is crawl back into bed. Silly girl.

******************************

The Words to Make up Your Mind:

Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
The last time you yelled at me I swore that I heard you say
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
When will we make up, will we break up?
Let's wake up, let's wake up, let's wake up
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Let's wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
Let's wake up, let's make up

... as alanis would say

2007-06-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

... ironic (or is it just tragic?)

I have love in my life. I am loved. I lust. I am lusted after. I love. I am in love. And yes, I believe loving someone and being in love are two totally different things and I feel both of them, separately. The problem (and where the irony/tragedy of it all comes in) is that none of these loves, lusts, people are the same.

When you look at it on paper, it all looks good doesn't it? But when you do the math it just doesn't work out in Kelly's favour. Wouldnt it be superb if who I loved, who I am in love with, who I lust after and who lusts after me, loves me were all one in the same? It all comes down to timing I think and mine is off. Way off. =)

Could you all just get it together? Or maybe I should? Dunno. Anyways,

Rats. =)

... extra long weekend

2007-06-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

Wasn't that rain amazing last night? I was lucky enough to be listening to it beside an open door hitting the water in the harbour. As much as I would like the summer weather to start, I would not have traded that rain last night for anything.

This is my last day of work until Wednesday. I took an extra day and am going to make it a 'me' weekend. I want to read, walk, get a little exercise and wind down. Other than Canada day celebrations and a bbq at the house on Sunday night, I am going to stay close to home and look after myself.

Nothing much to write today, I am happy, and feeling content. Hope you all have a fantastic Canada Day long weekend.

Much love,
Kelly

... kissing ...

2007-06-28T08:30:00.001-07:00

Could you please put your hand on the back of my neck ...
pull me around and close to your face ...
close enough to smell your peppermint gum ...
long enough to look into your kind eyes ...
and to remember just how long it has been since you really kissed me ...

... good to know ...

2007-06-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

Kelly with too much overtime + no dinner + a view of the ocean + a few too many glasses of wine + good company = kelly spilling all her secrets!

Yikes! Way to go Oilers Fan. You owe me about 1000 secrets!

... Happy Birthday Megan...

2007-06-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

This is a pic of my daughter and her boyfriend Jordan... ah to be eighteen and in love!

Everyone send my daughter Megan some love for her eighteenth birthday!

Love you girl!

So fellow bloggers, readers, fans, loved ones and passersby... I think we should give my young baby girl some pearls of wisdom for her eighteenth... ready, set, GO!!!

.... dancing ...

2007-06-25T12:37:00.001-07:00

Here is my daughter and me looking like goofs!

Thanks for this link Miss Marf... to see Miss Marf's dancing click here.

Click hereto make your own!

... sending nerdgirl some love ...

2007-06-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hey you. You know who you are ... family, friends, fellow bloggers... you're reading this thing, I know you are... send me some love via the comments section! Anonymously if you like...

have a good day,
k

on happiness

2007-06-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

I read an article in the Globe today called 'Are you Happy?'.

Well readers - are you?

When asked, the answer to that question for me is a genuine yes.

I like my life. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful daughter, incredible lifelong friendships, amazing new friends, a job that challenges me, and I am fairly sure I am a good human being (as I've said before - flawed, severly flawed) but a desire to be good, better ...

... indeed I have all the necessary items to be able to say that I am genuinely happy.

Does this mean that I do not have hurt in my life? Of course I do. I have anxiety and stress. I have longings that go unfulfilled. I have days where I am unsure of myself and my place in the world. Some days I do not know my purpose and if I should even have one other than enjoying my life.

And there is pain, plenty of it. These things, I am told, are a part of life.

Something I've learned along the way is that it is the moments, the single snapshots of your day/life that add up to make it a good life. My mom is a great proponent of doing what you need to do in the moment to make yourself happy.

Looking back on those crazy moments when I feel insane with hurt or am so stressed I cannot see a way out and I dont know what to do I recognize that I have the power in those moments to say to myself "What do I need right NOW to make me happy in this moment" and to take the results of that question and proactively seek out that happiness. When I dont do that for myself, I have nobody to blame but myself.

It is hard mantra to follow in certain [most? some? =))]situations and I fail miserably sometimes [often, always, never, sometimes =)))] (nice try Kel, more like OFTEN!) ... But I do recognize that I have the power in my own hands to be happy, to enjoy my life and to be in charge of making the choice to be happy. It is just that, a decision.

One of the lines in the article reads (and hits home with me):

"The state of the world is often annoying. But maybe you've been too busy channelling positive energy to notice. Freud certainly wasn't. The father of modern psychology thought that humans weren't meant to feel consistently happy, since "all the regulations of the universe run counter to it." And yet somewhere along the line we forgot Freud and embraced Tony Robbins."

it goes on to say:

"The problem with the culture of incessant happiness is that it's one of the things that drives social dissatisfaction, you're asked to take yourself as a constant self-improvement, and frankly this never ending quest is exhausting."

I'd be interested to 'hear' your opinions on this subject. Those two paragraphs hit home, then they didn't then I went back around again. Doesn't matter. What do you think??

feeling nostalgic

2007-06-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

Today Finn wrote a post about the awesome storms in the Toronto area .... her post made me a little weepy ...

Do you miss the summer storms in Toronto as much as I do?

I wish I could jump on a plane and escape with you for a few days - would it help our weird little world make more sense or would it make it that much more confusing?

Yes, readers, I know you dont understand this post ... another one for me! =)

=(

2007-06-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

I am not feeling quite right.

Not sure what the problem is exactly.

Wednesday night I fell asleep watching Coronation Street and when I woke up on the couch around midnight I went straight up to bed... I woke up in the morning feeling like I had not slept at all...

Last night I was still feeling tired so I just plopped down on my bed in my work clothes for a quick second and did not wake up until 7:30 this morning.

I dont feel sick. I feel exhausted. Completely and totally exhausted.

It takes all my energy to lift myself out of my chair to walk to the printer this morning.

my first triathlon ...

2007-06-19T11:42:00.001-07:00

Now this is a great idea for a wussy like me! A triathlon with shortened distances in WARM water.

MARF: ANY CHANCE IN "H" "E" "Double Hockey Sticks" you'd do this with me???????????

I thought of you instantly with your whole "Epiphany" thing going on!

because i love nerdy socks ...

2007-06-19T07:50:00.001-07:00

This morning mine read:

... you break my heart you buy it ...

And yes, I think that is reasonable.

on change

2007-06-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

Someone else's line:

"time and circumstance will alter just about everything ... "

Is this true?

If you truly love someone ... unconditionally, completely, without reserve ... can time and circumstance really alter it?

Should time and circumstance be able to?

dont take anyone or anything for granted ... unless you are comfortable with regrets

2007-06-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

I cannot take credit for this one ... but read it on a card and loved it. Thought I'd share:

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration.

Like a humingbird, we aspire to hover and savour each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everday.

The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that

life is rich,

beauty is everywhere,

every personal connection has meaning;

and that laugher is life's sweetest creation.

Do not take the beauty of what is in front of you for granted.

gullible

2007-06-16T12:55:00.001-07:00

I am far too gullible. Apparently need is on an 'per situation' basis ...

on being a sloth ...

2007-06-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have bad eating habits. We've been through that. Not going to change right now.

The main problem is that I am getting no exercise.

None.

I go through stages. Its all or nothing. Hm. Actually. It is all or nothing for me with a lot of things ... but thats a whole other blog.

Anyways, decided not sloth time anymore... ITS.BIKINI.SEASON!

Last night I put on the blades (thanks again for those Val) out the door, down Main Street through the bowels of Chinatown ... wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... downhill ... over to Science World ... oh oh we're flattening out ... visited the ocean (on a bench), watched dragon boat practices THEN headed BACK UP MAIN Street.

Just try and guess what the fun part of my skate was ... notice there was no wheeeeeeee on the heading back UP Main Street part ... tee hee. asthma attack in front of Foundation ... other than that... I'm on my way. I may be pushing 40 but this is going to be one hot bod for the summer!

So anyways, stay tuned ...t he chronicles of a Recovering Sloth to be continued!

looking at things a different way ...

2007-06-13T09:50:00.001-07:00

I generally consider myself to be non-judgmental. I understand that people conduct their relationships according to their own set of circumstances, they rear their children based on their own beliefs and make their way in the world looking through their own unique set of eyes. I cannot always bring myself to see through their eyes and cannot always know their circumstances but I understand that those things influence other people's actions.

*** SIDE NOTE *** I am unsure where I am going with this post, I just need to work some stuff out, so bear with me...

I have a friend who was in a loving relationship with someone for eight years. She met someone else shortly after they split but remained in love with her ex. I could not understand at the time how she could have a relationship with someone else and be in love with her ex all at the same time. I could not wrap my brain around it. Quite frankly, I did not want to. This situation reminds me of my post on the subject of the "one". I think now, and of course I dont know for sure, that she wanted to move forward, meet someone new and truly fall in love again. She did not want to be alone and knew those past feelings weren't going to just float away because she wished it so.

I have a lot of trouble letting people in. Friends and lovers alike ... but once you are in, you're in. I'll bake for you when you are sad, I'll stand in front of you when the fire is too hot, I'll bury the bodies as needed and hold your hand when someone else breaks your heart. I'll be behind you even when I know you are making horrible decisions and I will be there to hold your hand when those decisions prove disasterous. I will be fiercely protective of you. You will absolutely know you have someone in your corner.

So ... getting to the point. I was awake at 1 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m. and four ... you get the idea. The question rearing its ugly insomniac head was "What does it feel like to be loved by me? Really and truly loved? Unconditionally. Without reserve? Is it a good feeling? A burden? What?

Thats it, I am blocked after this... or maybe I do not want to share further ... and I am aware this entry has no flow, possibly makes no sense at all and jumps from one subject to another ... but its my blog and its what I wanted to write today.

what classic dame would you be?

2007-06-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

So Marf had this fun little test on her blog today.

My results were this:

You scored 16% grit, 19% wit, 52% flair, and 26% class!
You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

I.WANT.These.SeRiOuSLy

2007-06-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

PLEASE.

guilty pleasures

2007-06-11T15:44:00.001-07:00

Click here to see my new favourite bad habit.

I love this show.

Love.it.LOve.It.LOVE.IT.

Dont judge me. Just love me.

my favourite flower

2007-06-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

... funny ...

2007-06-06T09:23:00.000-07:00

Saw a button today:

"God was my copilot but we crashed and I had to eat him!"

tee hee

on infatuation ...

2007-06-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about infatuation and love.

Wikipedia says:

Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of relationship when sexual attraction is central. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another.

Love is a constellation of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection or profound oneness.[1] The meaning of love varies relative to context. Romantic love is seen as an ineffable feeling of intense attraction shared in passionate or intimate attraction and intimate interpersonal and sexual relationships.[2] Love can also be construed as Platonic love,[3] religious love,[4] familial love, and, more casually, great affection for anything considered strongly pleasurable, desirable, or preferred, to include activities and foods.[5][2] This diverse range of meanings in the singular word love is often contrasted with the plurality of Greek words for love, reflecting the concept's depth, versatility, and complexity.

How many people have really been in love?

Real love. Selfless love. Unconditional love.

I have that kind of love for my daughter. She is the love of my life. My heart. It is easy to love her that way. The minute she was conceived I felt it. I know without a doubt that anything she may say or do - I can love her through it. It is not possible for my heart to feel any other way about her. It is what it is.

Is it possible to have it for another human being that you did not give birth to?

I think so, but it is rare.

I have a beautiful friend. I love him unconditionally. We have known each other since we were 14. We have been partners, lovers, friends. We moved across the country and back and are now best friends. We have experienced fantastic adventures, love, friendship, understanding, incredible happiness and contentment, fights, impatience, anger, hurt, misunderstandings, betrayal and loss. We have come out the other side firmly in each other's lives.

I love him. Truly love him.

Infatuation it is not.

I am aware of who he really is. Underneath the charming exterior and the pretty face there is a real person with faults and problems and a big heart. He shares his family with me. He shares his free spirit with me. I love that he tells me secrets. I love that he shares the real person inside. I love that he is not afraid to show me who he really is. I love that he trusts me to love him.

He knows me inside and out. He remembers me as a young girl, knows the experiences that led me to the woman I am, and knows the faults that make me human. He loves me in spite of who I am and in spite of who I cannot be.

We continue to battle it out as friends and I know we always will.

Thanks Cheek.

today would have been my dad's 57th birthday!

2007-05-29T16:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday DAD! We miss you!

books

2007-05-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

Ok folks, I found a book. I need help! Tell me what you know, anything you know about Dante's Inferno.

Ok, smarty pants - teach me! =)

my anchor continued ...

2007-05-24T10:51:00.001-07:00

My anchor broke out of the mud at the bottom of the pit.

I cant quite see it yet ... soon, very soon... I believe it is starting to surface

I may have to clean the muck off it a bit ... but, as usual, I am more than willing to make that effort.

Looking forward to pulling up the final few links of the chain tonite. See you soon.

=)

2007-05-23T19:07:00.001-07:00

i am a lucky woman

2007-05-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

to have known Michael Edward Killingsworth.

My dad.

Fifteen years ago today he died of cancer.

My mom met him when I was a little girl. They fell in love. Married. I attended that wedding. I think I was five. Then my dad chose to be my father. He adopted me.

Because it was a choice it means more to me than if he had been my biological father. He chose to have me in his life, put up with my teenage years, guide me, and to unconditionally love me in moments I suspect I was very hard to love. This meant and does mean the world to me. I have and never will forget that I was lucky enough to have those years with him.

This man had qualities that I want to emulate in my adult life. Thinking of him makes me want to be a better person. He taught me life lessons that help me out every day of my life. On many occasions when I am making tough decisions I think "What advice would my dad give me?". It is funny how that one question can and has cleared up so many confusions for me.

I am sad that he is gone - but thankful for the gift that he was.

We all miss you.

missing

2007-05-23T08:05:00.001-07:00

Just not liking this word.

Missing. Weird word. For when you are missing someone they are really not missing, they are just not here.

I know, dont say it... I'm making no sense again. Perhaps I need some sleep? =)

i have lost my anchor ...

2007-05-22T12:01:00.001-07:00

Any chance you could pull him out of the muck, shake him off and push him in my direction??

thank you

2007-05-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

for delivering Megan's things to her.

long distance ...

2007-05-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

Have you attempted this?

I have.

Twice.

One time I moved there and another time she moved here.

Neither was a good idea.

I tend to spend my time running away from something rather than towards it. Makes life a little more difficult I guess.

Any thoughts people?

Its raining out and me and my bud are going to get DRUNK. In 45 MINUTES! I'm counting the minutes to shooterville!

Mercy

2007-05-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

By Jodi Picoult

I wish I could take credit for this line in the book:

"Making love with her was a bit like waking up one morning to discover the color green. You saw it in the grass and the trees and the road signs and you could not imagine that you had spent so many years of your life in the absence of this hue, which seemed to make the rest of the world fall into place."

Feist

2007-05-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

I went to a concert last night at the Orpheum

Listen here.

Amazing. Beautiful. Would definately see her again.

song sent to me today ... lovely

2007-05-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

"gorecki"

if i should die this very moment
i wouldn't fear
for i've never known completeness
like being here
wrapped in the warmth of you
loving every breath of you
still my heart this moment
or it might burst
could we stay right here
'til the end of time, 'til the earth stops turning
wanna love you 'til the seas run dry
i've found the one i've waited for
all this time i've loved you
and never known your face
all this time i've missed you
and searched this human race
here is true peace
here my heart knows calm
safe in your soul
bathed in your sighs
wanna stay right here'til the end of time,
'til the earth stops turning
gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
i've found the one i've waited forthe one
i've waited for
all i've known
all i've done
all i've felt was leading to this
all i've known
all i've done
all i've felt was leading to this
wanna stay right here
'til the end of time,
'til the earth stops turning
gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
i've found the one i've waited for
the one i've waited for
wanna stay right here'til the end of time,
'til the earth stops turning
gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
i've found the one i've waited for
the one i've waited for
the one i've waited for...

found

2007-05-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stumbled across something ... felt like you had found something ... you had no idea you were looking for?

trust me on this one ...

2007-05-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

Quote:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

a fleeting feeling ... quick hold on before it goes away again ...

2007-05-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made a huge decision. A decision I have struggled with off and on for more years than I care to admit. I did a pro-con list again and this time it worked. I realized I am only hurting myself to not let it go. And I did it. I struggled with this decision, executed it and left work early to get it out of my system. I cried and walked and played a bit and just let myself feel it.

I woke this morning raw. Like I have fought the battle of life and was rewarded by my love. You know that feeling just after making love?

..when all your breathing feels gracious?

When you feel you have mapped out somewhere no one else has been. You can feel it in your chest, your toes tingle and your skin is raw.

Was that your lavender breath in my hair?

Here is a little something else. My favourite poem. I wanted to share it again.

no more oral???!

2007-05-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

Well this just isn't good news. =)

could somebody please make me a little bit ...

2007-05-10T12:24:00.001-07:00

less female?

************

Update: Received two emails about this post ... Yikes! Ok, let me clarify.

Love being a girl. Love girls. Dont want to be a man. =) Ew. Hair.

Anyways.

What I would like to change:

My stomach hurts. I have stomach cramps. They suck. I want to go home. Right now.

I am vulnerable. Most boys just aren't like that. Vulnerability leaves you open to all kinds of ridiculous conversations, encounters and situations. Unecessary ones. When you interact with others you get scraped. Often. When you are vulnerable the scrapes sting. I dont really want to sting. Not even a little bit.

Giving birth. Because of this miracle my heart now resides on the outside of my body with a seventeen (almost eighteen) year old. You cannot even imagine the danger my heart is in.

Women see situations different then men. Obviously. A man and a woman can be in the exact same situation at the exact same time, hearing the exact same thing and each will see, hear and feel something different. Actually, I guess my point is a woman will feel it and a man will just take it in, process it and do what he needs to do.

And this one.

This one may just be me and have absolutely nothing at all to do with being female. At the first sign (usually) of something that can cause me to hurt - my very first instinct is to run like hell.

And not look back.

this really pisses me off ... humans can be so ugly

2007-05-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

See front page of the Province today - Horrific!

The picture caught my eye and made my heart pound and my eyes water.

The story broke my heart.

Auntie Carole dont read it or you will own twenty more dogs! =)

aging

2007-05-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

I will be 38 years old this year. My beautiful daughter will be 18 next month.

I am getting up there. Aging. Getting older. More mature. Ok, probably not that. I am pretty much who I am ever going to be... did that make sense? Not really, but whatever.

I do not actually worry too much about getting older. My mom tells me that each decade gets better and better. She is having a blast in her fifties!

I am getting 'life lines', a few real wrinkles (that pesky one between my brows!), my body has changed, and quite honestly I am having to pluck more often and in a wider range of areas than before!

I know, not attractive, not what you wanted to hear or know about me, but there it is!

I have been growing the natural colour back out in my hair. Apparently, my hair is a dark auburn. I did not remember that. It is also sprinkled in the crown with a little gray now.

I am ok with all of this. Really.

As long as I'm healthy, I am ok with all of this. And the McGriddles seem to be doing their job for me healthwise ... =)

My problem is this:

If I have to have the laugh lines, wrinkles, extra hair and body changes - why in the heck do I still have to put up with zits. Blemishes. My face breaking out??!?

It just doesn't seem fair.

breathless . . .

2007-05-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

What is the point of having a heart if you aren't going to allow it to race once in awhile? =)

the love of my life ...

2007-05-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

Being Megan's mama has been the single most important event in my life. Being a single parent has been the single hardest struggle in my life. Worth every moment of uncertainty. But nonetheless, a struggle.

Being Megan's mama has brought me the most happiness, fulfillment, pain and heartache than any other single event in my life.

I dont expect another event or person to touch my life like my daughter has.

I dont expect to ever love another human being as I love her.

Because I had her so young she was the beginning of the story of my journey into adulthood.

Having her started shaping the human being I am today. I have never been an adult without her. I have grown up with her.

I have made so many mistakes. Too numerous to count or apologize for. I continue to make them. This has been a 17 year learning process. No one makes me feel more human than Megan does.

I was only nineteen when she was born. Only a year and a bit older than she is now. I was a baby. I loved her from the first second I knew I was pregnant.

My first ultrasound was on Valentines day. I cried. I was scared. I wanted her so badly.

Her name was to be Christina. Christina Marie. She ended up as Megan Marie. When I was pregnant with her I watched a show called Nightingales. The main character in the show had a daughter named Megan.
When she was born she had these big blue, almost purple eyes. She smiled a lot. She was a happy baby. I would put her in her snugly and carry her close to my chest all day long. She would tilt her head back and smile up at me. I loved her breath. That beautiful baby breath. Those gums, eyes, skin and baby hair. I was and am so in love.

I wasn't prepared for the journey. I wasn't prepared to have my heart live outside of my body. But truthfully that is where it resides. With her. Every step she takes, she takes me with her. When she is happy, I am happy, when she feels pain, I am in pain. When she is mad, I understand and am angry right along with her. When she is in love, I remember being a teenager in love. My life goal is to shield and protect her from a harsh life. To remind her to be kind to herself and others. To live. Please live. Really really live. Dont wait. Dont struggle to much, it wont mean anything down the road. So please listen to mama, just live. Ok?

Isn't she absolutely beautiful???

in need of some sugar ...

2007-05-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

No McGriddle this morning. Am not happy about my decision. What am I supposed to eat? And dont you DARE say bran or some other such crap! Hm, the grumpies are setting in.

Paul, you said you were buying lunch! Expect it to be a big one, I'm going to be HUNGRY!

i think this is beautiful

2007-05-03T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Suddenly I See"

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

you can get away with calling me a lot of things but this one burned my ass ...

2007-05-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

I am a what? pardon me - but did i just hear you correctly? asshole. fucking asshole.

Yes, friends, you heard it right, I'm swearing. Out loud.

Ok, every morning I go to McDonalds at Library Square to get my McGriddles. It makes me happy, its what I do, its my little routine. I've been doing it since last summer. Seriously, EVERY morning!

Each morning I wait in line behind about twenty homeless guys using their government vouchers to get their breakfast. McDonalds is jammed packed with these guys swearing and coughing and making their little deals etc. This has been going on for months. Some of them are very friendly and I say hello to those ones. One even gave me a cellphone cover. See story here.

I'll admit it (hate mail be damned, I'm not scared of your comments!) - some mornings I find it a little (a lot) annoying to be standing in a long line up waiting for these guys to get their 14th coffee refill when they are headed ... um ... nowhere and I need to get to my office.

Today. Argh today.

I could actually see my fist (yes, Chico my nerdy fist) flying across the space between me and this guy and punching him square in the nose... ASSHOLE.

As I was rushing by him and the fourteen others standing outside smoking their morning joint he caught my eye and decided (I think he was trying to flirt) to blow a cloud of smoke in my face. Arriving at the LAWFIRM I work in smelling like pot is not exactly couture, so I made a face and ducked away from him - only.to. hear. him. do the: "fakecoughingwhorething"!!!

areyoufuckingkiddingme?

Do you even know what whore means?

Here, let me give you a clue:

a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet. –verb (used without object)
2.
to act as a whore.
3.
to consort with whores. –verb (used with object)
4.
Obsolete. to make a whore of; corrupt; debauch.

Ok, now that I read these, I am not exactly innocent per say. But I am certainly not currently a whore by definition.

I am quite positive though that you are a lazynogoodfuckingasshole.

people who care and stupid cab company and stupid transit ...

2007-05-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

Thank you for surprise visiting me last night! I know you had your own work things going on. Thank you for coming over anyways. Thank you for asking about the latest Megan worries and thank you for not wincing when I asked you to look at the back of my throat with my sick breath. You are a superstar!

And You. You know who you are. I am going to be feeling better for dinner tonite. I just know it! Thank you for texting me in the middle of your family visit to ask how I'm doing! Very nice.

And thank you to all the anonymous people that played my Secret Game yesterday! I love your secrets, I even stuck one in there too - anonymously of course!

I hope I get some more secrets! Keep writing - PLEASE!

This morning is rainy and gross and guess where my umbrella was hanging out?

Under my desk!

Of course, where else should it be on a rainy Wednesday morning?

Decided to treat my sick self to a cab to work. I phoned at 8:10. They said it would be kind of a wait but that the cab would call when it arrived. It is now 9:42, still haven't received the call that the cab is in front of my house. Good thing I walked in the rain to the bus stop to catch a bus that took FOREVER to get there. People on the bus hated me. I coughed all over them. Well, not all over them exactly. I am polite and covered my mouth, but I still got the looks... =)

Can you tell me this? Why is it there were four buses going against rush hour up Cambie to every one bus that came down Cambie into town? Hm? Make any sense to you? Didnt think so.

Ok, gotta get all the ketchup out of my keyboard. Dont ask.

hurt

2007-05-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm hurting.

It started out as a little itch in the back of my throat around 8 pm.

9 pm it became sore on the left side.

10 pm I am really hurting - both sides.

11 pm the whining starts. Oh oh.

I really hurt. Fix it.

Please fix it.

Woke up at one, two, three, four. I was still hurting. Moved to couch. Cannot make my hurt go away. =(

I have a silly idea to take my mind off it today. ... Please tell me a SECRET! Anonymously in the comments section. All.of.you. PLEASE. I will put one in there myself (anonymously). I'll let one of my secrets out there on blogland... so please please please (cue whiny voice) play along!

they make me happy enough to dance on the cambie street bridge ...

2007-04-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Chico bought me these ...

you can say it. I'm spoiled.

I love them. I really really really love them.

I feel pretty and happy and did I say pretty(?) in them ...

I even named them! =))))))

i have issues

2007-04-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

I know this does not come as shocking news to most of you who know me well ... but for those of you who dont ...

I dont like hair.

I dont like germs.

I dont like sharing my bathroom unless I'm sleeping with you.

I definately dont like shoes in the house.

Do not even think of sitting on public transit and then sitting on my couch.

The list goes on and on and on.

Really, we've only scratched the surface.

The main reason this is coming up today is because someone who I would say is fairly close to me just about made my head pop off yesterday! Apparently, she had NO idea the types of things that gross me out. Or she thought I was kidding or it was justly mildly grossed out.

Yesterday, I found out ... wait for it ... Hockey. Players.Buy.USED.hockey.pants.

Doesn't matter if you have the money for new ones. Doesn't matter.

Do you realize This means that: someone elses.ASSsweat.touches.YOUR.ass.

Um yuck.

Chico, help me here. Explain in my comments just how much medication was probably needed to stop me from having a panick attack yesterday when I heard this.

To make matters worse, the NEW hockey pants are really only 30 to 40 dollars more than the used asssweat ones... so really one is CHOOSING to smell like another person's ass sweat.

I have a headache now and need to go buy some antibacterial wet wipes.

are we all just waiting for the 'one' to come home?

2007-04-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of people in my life right now that are pining, waiting for, or trying to get over the 'one'. A few of them are in loving, stable relationships but a piece of their heart resides with the 'one'.

Do we all do this?

Spend time with one another, meet others and run around filling our time until the 'one' comes back to his or her proper place? If you really feel like you should be with the 'one' can someone else actually distract you enough to make you move forward?

Does anyone ever fall for their 'distraction' while waiting for the 'one' to come back?

It has never worked for me. The person in my heart is just there and has been stuck there it seems forever. But who knows, I'll give anything a try. =) Dating is a hard job, but someone has to do it! =)

What is that ridiculous saying (or was it a song?) "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with?". There are a lot of people trying that out right now. I think at some point everyone must try it?

This entry sounds a little like I am talking in riddles or codes or have little secrets. Maybe I do, maybe I dont but it is my blog and I'm the star of this show and sometimes I need to write things out without actually telling you all anything! A girl has to have some secrets!

Anyways - Megan (the daughter) - I think mama might finally be cool (so NOT). Last night, on a school night no less(!), I ended up at a party in an old converted church with a bunch of physicists! Mama stayed up past 10 pm! I was drinking water and taking aspirin by midnight but still... =)

The word debauchery came up. It is now my word of the day.

de·bauch·er·y

1. excessive indulgence in sensual pleasures; intemperance.
2. archaic. seduction from duty, allegiance, or virtue.

...As in Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, Motley Crue, Theory of A Deadman and Default - all of which I am giving up today to listen to a gift I was given yesterday: a mixed cd which includes Sarah Harmer, Amos Lee, Ani DiFranco and Jane Siberry.

Wish me luck, I'm branching out!

today's pet peeve

2007-04-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

... people that cannot staple or hole punch straight...

Yes, I am that anal.

second posting today ... mom and carole

2007-04-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

Here is a little hello and an introduction to my mom and to her best friend Carole. We grew up with Carole so my sister and I call her Auntie Carole.

My mom has been reading my blog from conception. She now knows more about me than she ever wanted to know! She took a little break from reading it while her computer was at the computer hospital so I know she must be doing some serious reading to catch up on my life. Like, I said before Mom, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I never put anything mean or unkind about anyone in here but it can get a little, um - personal!

Yesterday, mom taught herself how to comment on my blog. Yippee for mom! She says she will try to disguise herself next time so watch out for 'Tink' because that'll be her!

So Auntie Carole if you are reading this, you and mom are the stars of my blog today. I hope you leave comments too because you never fail to make me chuckle! Dont try to hide your identity though... I'll out ya'!

Much love,
k

saturday ...

2007-04-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

This is where I will be.

I volunteer for this cause. For the last two years I have helped round up sponsors to donate raffle items for the show. I attend the show and sell the raffle tickets. It was a fun night last year and this year is looking good

The event is a community outreach initiative by students of West Point Grey Academy as part of their “Fashion for a Cause“ project which will be held at the Rocky Mountaineer Station at 1755 Cottrell St. (at Terminal) on Saturday, April 28, 2007.

The students have chosen to support the Children’s Arthritis Foundation because it is the only charity that focuses entirely on the needs of kids with Rheumatic disease. The show will feature youth and adult fashion from some of Vancouver’s hottest designers and fashion outlets, and will play to an audience of more than 500 people.

my little running shoe problem ...

2007-04-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

... has reared its ugly head!

I am currently in deep 'want' with these:

a little R and R and then my bubble burst ...

2007-04-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

The good stuff first.

The tears part later.

This weekend was about getting away from the loft and getting some much needed Rest and Relaxation.

It was great!

I feel great!

And quite frankly, I look great too! Smiling, brighter eyes, shiny hair, all good happy things. =)

I love being with my best friend. As soon as I put my head on his shoulder, it is like I am home and all my worries fall away.

Friday night: very cosy, watched the movie "The Last Kiss". Sad movie. My take on it: Human beings just don’t realize what they need sometimes until its too late.

Saturday: My Aunt’s beautiful house on her little private lake. She has two dogs, a wonderful husband (my uncle Ellis), five cats and a bunch of running ducks. It was amazing. Good company, good stories, a sunshiny day and a nice cup of tea! Thanks Auntie Carole!

Saturday night: Food, candy and watched another movie "The Great New Wonderful". Another cosy relaxing night.

Sunday:

English Antique Car Show in Fort Langley. FUN!

Lunch at the Fort Langley pub – Strawberry Crepes, some Baileys and hot water… got a yummy little afternoon delight buzz going and then we headed off to the Fort Wine Co.

Cute little place.

Did a little wine tasting, had a little focaccia bread with cranberry balsamic vinegar. I was completely spoiled with a box of those awesome Lesley Stowe Raincoast Crips, a bottle of the cranberry balsamic vinegar and a bottle of the wine - THANK YOU! The one that I liked the best out of all the ones I tried was the the Green Apple wine, it was the driest.

The day was topped off with a nice drive in the country … all in all a spectacular day/weekend.

Now, about the tears…

I bought a new book this weekend. Alice Munroe, “Away From Her”. Nutshell: the story of an aging couple's relationship that is tested as the woman develops Alzheimer's disease and forgets her long years of marriage.

The forward is what got me going. It is written by Sarah Polley and is about her lover's opinions on love. True love. Adult love.

He told her that he didn’t believe that love was the name for the butterflies he had in his stomach after three weeks. The butterflies were there, but he didn’t think they were … important. He told her of his parents, how they had been together for forty-five years, and how sometimes, as his mother washed the dishes, her husband would approach her as she worked, slip his arms around her waist and lightly kiss the back of her neck. He thought that this endurance was the definition of love, not that initial insanity. If something remained, some inexplicable, intangible thread managed to stay unbroken, after the betrayals and the hurt and the disappointment that any marriage must surely endure, then that was what he was willing to concede must be love.

EXACTLY! Really, exactly.

This is what I believe to be true. I want and need the butterflies but in no way have them confused with the idea of unconditional love and lifelong friendship in a marriage.

The tears came in when Chico decided to tell me the truth about life and love in reality. He believes this kind of love, the one I dream of, rarely develops anymore. He believes in this day and age that kind of love just doesn't happen. What he said rang true. It felt true enough to upset me. I mean really upset me. The bubble was burst and the dam broke! There were a lot of tears!

The thing is I am happy dating, have no problem being on my own. I am quite independent and I would rather be with no one than the wrong one. I am busy, I have a beautiful child, I have solid friends, a good family and love and happiness in my life. I have ups and down and hardships like anyone else but I can honestly say I feel loved and supported. I am in no hurry to be in a ‘relationship’.

... But the truth is ... the end goal of any dating I do is to someday fall in love like described above. Unconditionally, completely in love. I want someone beside me in life to add to the already good things I have. I want someone to show me more. I want someone to share the things we want to do together and someone to come home to share the stuff that I do on my own. I want someone who will let me lean on them without having to talk about it. I want someone who will love me when I am being a bit of an ass. I want someone who cares what I am doing when I am out and about making my way in the world, even when we are out and about doing separate things.

Chico doesn’t believe that kind of love exists anymore. At the very least, rarely. And maybe he is right. People just don’t ‘stick’ anymore. We don’t work through hard times, there always seems to be another ‘love’ around the corner. Some greener pasture, better bigger love, something pulling us away from one another.

*Sigh*

As Carrie said on Sex in the City said (and Lindsey in her blog on Saturday): “I just want someone to stand still with for a minute."

Ok, I'm done.

today's five continued ...

2007-04-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

One of my friends, who wishes to remain anonymous, who I will forever call "Spam" now (good story) answered my five questions from Finn...

Number three is the BEST!

1.Worm (because it just sounds cool)

2.Failure to laugh

3“Girlfrind, you look FABULOUS – now sashay-chantez through those gates…mmmhhhhmmmmm You Know It; God is Gay”

Get me out of my office.

Kind, Caring, Compassionate…but still a little dirty (in the best kind of way).

today's five

2007-04-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have answered five questions today from my friend Finn. See her blog today for an explanation of where these five questions came from.

1. What is your favourite word?
My Answer: Suspect ... as in “I suspect …”

2. What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
My Answer: A wasted life.

3. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
My Answer: Thanks for playing my game of life, here is the secret to life, and now you are lucky enough to go back, do it again with all the secrets!

4. What is your present state of mind?
My Answer: A little annoyed, very excited about my weekend, and a little frisky!

5. What would you like to be?
My Answer: Useful, needed and an inspiration, if just to one person...

If you want to play, too, type “interview me” in my comment section (don't forget your email address). I will respond by emailing you 5 questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking you to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions and so on and so on and so on.

... FUN... kind of reminds me of my Secret Game!

on kindness

2007-04-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates.

After the first gate, we ask ourselves,
"Are these words true?"

If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go.

At the second gate, we ask,
"Are they necessary?

At the last gate, we ask,
"Are they kind?"

on love

2007-04-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love ...
... listens but doesn't believe...
... and leaves before she is left ...

Marylin Monroe

to my heart, my love, my baby girl

2007-04-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

"Take my hand and see through my eyes all that is beautiful in life."

small irritation

2007-04-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

I am wearing one of my cutest pair of socks today. Black, with little purple and pink flowers on them.

Sadly, my big toe on my left foot has poked through.=(

Quite annoying.

...Especially because I am perfectly groomed - so there is no good reason for my toe to be cutting holes in my socks... unlike someone I know! (you know who you are!)

mystery girl

2007-04-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

This entry is probably going to offend someone, more than one, i dont know but it here it goes anyway ...

Funny story.

Yesterday I receive a text from a number I dont recognize. It is a picture of a store called "Chicos". No note, nothing.

So last night while I was out having drinks with Chico I showed him the picture. Who is it from?

I dont know!

How could you not know?

I just dont.

He grabs my phone and calls the number.

"Hi, who's this?"

And of course Chico does not ever really listen and thinks the girl said Brenda but is not sure...so ends up having this conversation with 'Brenda' who is now in Disneyland and saw the pic and thought of me and sent it.

Hm. Back to square one. Dont know a 'Brenda' in Disneyland at the moment.

I know two Brendas and they both have their numbers programmed in the phone.

Two seconds later:

I get a text from the same number:

"Saw it and thought of you, had to take a pic. Chico sounds cute, is he? Sorry, walking hormone here."

Hm. Someone texting me knows my best friend is Chico but has never met him.

I have no FREAKING idea.

I wonder if she's cute? =)